We said our final goodbyes to my Aunt last week. It was so sudden that I felt as if I’d been hit by Mike Tyson and a week later I am still dazed, confused and unable to grasp what has happened. So many deaths have happened over the last year or so due to the pandemic, that I almost feel like I don’t have a right to mourn.
However, this death is so very personal to me and I am deeply mourning. I feel like something has been stolen from me. She was the very best of us. Ever since I was a child, she was always the same: She loved God unapologetically and she loved her family. Not with words or with affection, but with her actions. Her love was always evident in her actions. She was always there for me, my children and others, going above and beyond without complaint.
It’s so rare in this world to have genuine people in your corner that you know without a doubt you can trust and count on. If you are lucky, you will have at least one or better yet, a few. My aunt was one of the few. She was like a Mom to me and the space she left behind, is like a huge void in the deep.
My emotions have been so up and down lately that I felt like I was unraveling. So, I remembered and sought out the 5 stages of grief to put them all into context:
Denial: It is said that this first stage’s purpose is to slow down or minimize the impact of the intense pain of grief, which threatens to overwhelm us. This may be the first stage, but I still find myself in denial at times. Unable to accept what has happened and grappling to make sense of it. Most of all, not wanting to believe it as if my disbelief will change it.
Anger: This emotion is said to be common and comes as a result of releasing strong feelings of discomfort associated with the pain, fear and heartache of grief. I have been in and out of this stage several times. Honestly, sometimes I just want to scream out loud. Mostly, I feel angry that she’s gone and that I am left here without her. I often think to myself, why her? She was one of the good ones!
Bargaining: This stage is pretty interesting. It is said that this stage is usually directed at a higher power/God as we try to find control where there is none. In this stage we may replay interactions with the ones we’ve lost and wish something would have been different. I have had several talks with God about this loss, wavering between wanting her back and accepting His will.
Depression: Here’s a stage that I know too well. It’s said that in this stage, the heightened emotions have calmed and reality sets in. We begin to retreat within ourselves as the sadness grows. We may avoid social situations and isolate ourselves as a coping mechanism. I have been feeling the need to be alone more, not wanting company or to even talk on the phone with anyone. Depression is not a place to linger too long. So I will try my best to let people in more. Just writing this blog post is therapeutic. It’s allowing me to let some of the feelings out.
Acceptance: This stage occurs when we accept the truth and/or reality of our loss. We are no longer on the roller coaster ride of heightened emotions or trying to avoid the truth. However, some of the feelings from the other stages like regret or sadness may still be present.
The important thing to remember is that all of these stages and feelings are normal. We are not bound by the order of the stages or the length of time we grieve. As time progresses I will remember the good memories of my Aunt, for there were many. I will be grateful for all that she has done and the time spent. I will try my best to focus mostly on those things as opposed to my loss. It won’t be easy, but I will take it one day at a time.
If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, let me extend my warmest and most heartfelt condolences to you and yours. May they live on in your hearts forever more.
Until next time,
Love, Drea.
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