“When I grow up, I want to have a husband and three children.” This was what I secretly wished for when I was a child. And that’s exactly what I got. Although I am grateful and love them all, I sometimes wonder if I am in over my head. Being a mother is hard! Who new? Is it just me? When I was a kid, it all looked so easy on TV! All you saw was love. No tantrums, hormones, talking back or waiting up late to see if they will at least call to say they’re ok.
I find that motherhood has made me more sensitive as I get older. I cry (mostly in secret) over what feels like the silliest things and worry about my children to the point where it stresses me out. The older they get, I feel as though my ability to protect them is just slipping away. It’s the most helpless feeling.
The world is such a crazy place and I feel as though nothing I can do, will prepare them enough for what’s out there. I don’t want them to find out just how crazy/dangerous the world really is, the hard way like I did. How I wish I could spare them all of that. And then there’s me….I’m so hard on myself. Navigating between the way my mom raised me and the mother I would like to be is a bigger challenge than I thought.
I am trying so hard to find the balance between the two, yet I always feel like I am falling short. I hate having to be the disciplinarian, when all I want to be is the nurturer. Then there are days when I get a random hug from my youngest, or my middle child will do something thoughtful for me; or my eldest will want to stop by just to watch a movie with me.
Those are the days that make it all worth it and encourage me to keep doing my best. Perhaps, that’s enough?
I remember a time years ago when I felt so lost. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had no direction. I was struggling with old emotional wounds that wouldn’t leave me alone and I lived my life like a tumbleweed blowing around in the dark.
I would attach myself to whatever (whoever) I could find, only to find that it wasn’t stable and I was doing more harm than good to myself. I thought I knew what I was looking for. I thought it was something outside of myself that would complete me, save me or better yet love me. But I never found anything out there in the darkness, just more tumbleweeds like me. We trauma bonded, but never made it out of the dark.
It took me a very long time to figure out that happiness did not exist outside of myself. However, I eventually figured out that who I was, didn’t have anything to do with another person, my family, things that happened to me or my mistakes. None of that was who I was. The moment, I figured that out… everything changed. The answer came once I learned who I was.
I learned that my creator did not put me on this earth to wander around lost, stumbling around in the dark, depressed and suffering. I found out that He loves me deeply, He knew me before I was born and He gave me everything within me that I need. I found out that He will shine a light in the darkness to help you find your way out. I found out that no matter what I have been through, life can be beautiful. I found out that I do have a purpose, which is to help others. Once I found that out, my path became clear.
It’s funny how things change, the moment you find out who you really are. Your whole outlook changes. You start to see what you couldn’t see in the darkness. You begin to see who is really for you and who is against you. You will be able to see who or what is wasting your time and you will be able to let go without hesitation. You will learn to love and protect yourself. You will learn how to set boundaries and associate with only those who truly want the best for you. You will start to guard your heart and protect your peace. I found out that in Him, I have peace even though the world is crazy. I found out all of that and so much more. And that… is priceless!
Every day my daughter shows me a new dance she’s learned on TikTok. I had no idea what TikTok even was, until recently, when I became curious and downloaded it myself. I must say, it can be kind of addicting, watching those short clips of people expressing themselves. Anyway, last night I couldn’t sleep and a young lady read a quote that really got to me:
“If you weren’t given love on a silver spoon, then you will lick it off of knives.”
Woah! I think I played the video several times, just to let it sink it. And it made me reflect on my life as well as others close to me, whose life choices reflected an inability to figure out what real love looked like. For me personally, I remembered walking away from failed relationships or even friendships, often pointing the blame on the other person for their failure to love me the right way.
However, as I have become more awakened to who I am and who I am becoming, I realize that they were not fully to blame. The truth is, if I knew what love really looked like, I would not have allowed certain individuals into my life. Those frogs that I allowed to kiss me and all the time wasted on friendships that took way more than they gave, would never have occurred. But, such is life! As we live and if we are willing, we will continue to learn. What we do with that knowledge is what counts.
Honestly, I am still learning what love looks like. Using God as my guide, I am learning what love is and what it is not. Love will never make you compromise your integrity and put you in “situations”. It will not belittle or hurt you. Love will not love bomb you and then gaslight you every chance it gets. Love will not withhold its self from you. Love will not give you the silent treatment or watch you cry and do nothing. Love will not make you forget your dreams and needs, only to satisfy the dreams and needs of others. Love will not lie, abuse, cheat or steal from you. I could go on, but I am sure you get the point.
I think the most important thing that I have learned about love so far is that you must first find it within yourself. You have to learn how to love yourself (as cliché as it sounds). Nothing and no one outside of you will ever be able to love you better than you can. Therefore, you must go within, to the place where God resides for the answers. He did not put you here to be mistreated or to “lick it off of knives” as the girl on Tik Tok said. You were put here to love and to be loved, the right way. No matter how you grew up!
No one knows you better than you do. No one knows what you need, what you want and what you don’t want better than you. There are those who seek out people who don’t know what love is.They will give you scraps, mistreat you and tell you it’s love.
You/we deserve better than that. If we don’t take the time to identify and understand what real love truly is, we will take what is given to us by those who know that we don’t know any better. Remember that.
A few close to me will know what I mean when I refer to the forest. It is a term I’ve created to describe the state of being and / or place within the dark corners of the mind. The place where ones pain resides. A pain invisible to others, suppressed by many and misunderstood by most. For those who are “in the forest” it can be a very lonely place and further isolation seems like the best solution to avoid those who don’t understand what you’re going through.
While understandable, I will say this. Though you may feel alone, you are most certainly not alone. For there are many in the forest with you, fighting their independent battles every single day, even though you can’t see them. I wanted to write a love letter to you so that you would know that you are not alone. I wanted to tell you that you matter. I wanted to tell you that I know the depth of an invisible pain so great, that even though it is silent and invisible it is both deafening and blinding. I’ve pondered so many things to say, searching my heart for words that I would have wanted someone to say to me during my time in the forest. However the words, seem too feeble and so inadequate. So instead, I will share three things that come to mind:
Look up. When you’re in the forest and everything around you seems so dark and you feel as though you can’t stand; fall to your knees and look up. I read a scripture once that said “‘You have circled this mountain long enough; turn northward…” (Deuteronomy 2:3) I remember sharing this with my brother and saying: This scripture is sticking with me. Now all I have to do is figure out where northward is. He said: Look up, north is up. Then it clicked… yes, that’s is where God is. Which means to me, seek Him, instead of going in circles trying to find your way out.
2. The second thing is, sometimes songs randomly come to my mind when I am pondering something. It’s a strange thing that happens sometimes. Maybe because I love lyrics and they often stay with me. Anyway, there is a song that comes to mind that I love. It just came to me as I write this and it has encouraged me in times of need. Actually, I invited the singer to sing it at one of my community events and it was awesome. Anyway, if you’re in the forest, allow me to share the YouTube link so you can hear it. It’s called “After This” I pray it encourages you the way it once did for me.
3. Lastly, I watched a movie recently and no matter how many stars you would choose to give it, or not give it, there was a quote that stuck with me that I would love to share. I’ll spare the details of the source of the quote and the movie title. It may take away from the message. Anyway, It said: “You may not wanna wake up tomorrow, but the day after that, might just be great!” When I heard that, I felt that and it stuck with me. Reflecting back on that season in the forest, there were many days I felt like giving up. However, if I did give up then I wouldn’t be here trying to encourage you.
The point of it all is, I have had some wonderful days since my time in the forest and you can too. I don’t believe in happily ever after because life has its ups and downs. But, the moments of joy we get to experience are priceless and worth sticking around for. So hang in there please. You are not alone, I’m here…rooting for you!
I have spent the last few months, rummaging through the forest of my mind, looking for answers. Answers from my past and how it has continued to spill over and contaminate my present day and possibly my future. And although I have made some important connections and gained insight about patterns in my life, like the way I deal with relationships and how I handle stress; I still can’t help but feel stuck. It’s as if I am being held captive by something, like a chain that only permits me to walk about and maybe run.
The only thing is, deep down inside, I know I was meant to fly. Not only fly, but soar! I know that I have a bigger purpose and I believe it is to help others. Perhaps women and children who are struggling by a troubled past. Those who are hindered from becoming the versions of themselves that they are truly meant to be. Before the trauma, before the pain or perhaps in spite of it all. I believe this to be true, but sometimes the task seems so great. Not only that, but how can I achieve this task, if something is still holding me back? How can I teach what I have yet to master?
I reflect on the times in my life when I made it through experiences that definitely would have broken others. During those times, I can honestly say that it was not my own strength that carried me through. It was during those times that I leaned on God for strength, wisdom, understanding, restraint, guidance and most of all love. That is what got me through those times. That is what gave me the courage to keep moving forward. That is what broke the chains that were holding me.
Fast forward and I realize now that I have allowed myself to be distracted by many things like daily routines, work, the news etc. They have distracted me from being fully connected to the source of power that once liberated, strengthened, and provided me with peace. Now it makes sense that I have been spinning my wheels, but covered no ground. And I understand why my path is unclear and my cup empty.
Well, I know now what I must do. It is time to reconnect with God. However this time, I have to remain connected, even when things are going well. I believe that I will give birth to the purpose inside me, touching lives of others. Yes, I do believe that, but one things for sure, not without God’s help.
I was scrolling through Instagram today and I came across a post that made me pause and reflect. It was a simple post with drawings, featuring a side by side comparison of the response from others, when one has a physical pain vs. mental pain: “When I hurt my back” vs. “When I had depression.” Under the first heading of the back injury, there were flowers, a get well soon card, and sentiments that reflected understanding and empathy.
Under the other heading it simply read “silence”. I wasn’t going to include the picture of the post, but I may as well (see below). I will also include the number of likes under the post, so that you can see that it appears that many people seem to agree.
Anyway, it made me wonder: Are people still that uncomfortable with the discussion of mental health? Is it still taboo?
I don’t know about you, but in the past I have had my bouts with depression, some periods lasting longer than others. It plagued me and impacted my life in many areas. As I reflected on this post and that period in my life, I recalled how uncomfortable and sometimes upset some people were around me, whenever I expressed or exhibited signs of depression. I remember how isolated their reactions made me feel and how hurt I was that those who claimed to love me, would be so apathetic to my pain.
To some, it was as if I had said or done something terribly wrong or offensive. I was looked upon as weak and attention seeking. I was even told “I don’t believe in that psychological nonsense”. With others, it was obvious that it made them feel uncomfortable, to the point where their only response was silence.
However, if I shared that I had a headache, or felt physically ill with a cold or flu to the same individuals; I would be given lots of advice about what to do to feel better and there would be genuine concern. That was something that I never understood and it hurt a great deal. The way I see it, pain is pain, no matter the source.
The caption below that Instagram post is right, it is “time for change”! Mental illness is a real thing whether some believe in it or not. It is not cause for apathy, discomfort and especially silence. It’s a terrible thing to allow your discomfort to add greater pain to those who are already fighting a battle with an invisible enemy.
Unlike a wound or broken bone that you can identify with your eyes or through lab tests, mental health exists in the mind. But, just because you can’t see depression/mental illness, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Picture yourself blindfolded and fighting a battle everyday with an enemy you can’t see. Imagine all the hits and wounds you would sustain daily and how hard it would be to carry on with your daily routines with a smile on your face.
Now, imagine a child who has experienced trauma and is suffering with depression but has to cope with everyday life, school and loved ones who don’t believe in mental health. Just like a broken bone, or physical ailment, depression must be treated. It doesn’t just go away. That child or adult is in pain and needs to be treated as such, not ignored.
That’s the best way that I can describe what it’s like having depression. So, now that you have that picture in your mind, the next time the subject of depression or mental illness comes up, please remember that silence makes a person feel more isolated. A kind word (especially from a loved one) let’s them know that they are not alone. That will give them the courage to fight another day.
I loved reading as a child because it gave me the opportunity to get lost in another world, especially when the real world around me had moments of chaos. Writing was something that came natural to me. It was my way of expressing myself and I could do it for hours without effort. It was just like thinking. In my professional life, I work with children who have experienced trauma. It’s a gut wrenching feeling to see innocent children’s lives being altered in a way that will impact their lives forever. This insight prompted me to begin creating children’s books that touch upon mental health in a subtle way, giving hope to little readers who need to know that they will be ok and that life can be better.
Here are some questions taken from an interview with me about my children’s books:
What topics do your stories cover and why are these important to you?
So far, I have covered topics such as overcoming fear, discouragement, sadness/depression, physical injury and girl power. I really enjoy using animals and insects as main characters because all children can identify with them and learn the lesson from the stories without realizing that a lesson was being taught.
Where do you get your inspiration from?
I definitely get my life inspiration from the children I work with. I quickly realized that adults need to be creative when it comes to how we will reach and help children to heal. Every child is different and not every child has access to services to address their needs. I was also inspired by my own life and childhood. They say every author puts a piece of themselves in their writing. I would certainly agree in my case. Childhood is the most precious and vulnerable time in our development. It sets the tone for who we become as adults. Many adults are still healing from wounds in their childhood.
What are the titles of the books you have written, and what are they about?
The Black Bird was my first book. It’s about a beautiful black bird who gets injured, finds itself caged and becomes crippled with the fear of flying again, even after she physically healed. This book is great for children who are dealing with fear or discouragement after being hurt, physically or emotionally.
The Butterfly was my second book. It tells the story of a caterpillar who is discouraged about her life in the forest and is ready to give up. She receives a surprise visit from a beautiful butterfly who gives her just the right words of encouragement. This book is great for children struggling with identity, self-esteem and depression/mental health.
Who will Alex be? is my third book. This book was a lot of fun! This book is all about girl-power and representation. It tells the story of a young girl who is daydreaming about the possibilities of career choices when she grows up. From ballerina to Astronaut, she uses words of affirmation to declare that she will be anything she chooses to be! This is very important for girls of color to know that they are not limited and that the choice is theirs. Representation impacts self esteem and so planting seeds such as these, is a must.
Will you continue to write more books?
Oh yes! I will definitely continue to write more children’s books. Despite technology, I believe that reading is still a valuable way that parents can spend time reading with their children. It gives them the opportunity to use the teachable moments in the books to plant seeds of self-love, healing, empowerment and resilience in their children. As a mother of three, I know firsthand how important it is to instill these values in children.
Every Sunday, as a part of my self-love weekend, I show my hair some extra love. I’ve been natural since 2011. It has been a wonderful experience, learning to love my natural hair. For most of those years I had to learn how to tame and make my natural curls pop. It was fun and sometimes frustrating with all the gels and hair products I used. All the while, I was accumulating hundreds of pins on Pinterest with women sporting locs. I was in love with them, but terrified of the commitment. It took a while, but I finally took a leap of faith!
Now I have locs and I am proud and surprised to find that I am still going strong, a year and a half later. The game has changed and my regimen is much simpler, but there are still challenges.
What do you do when you need to detox your locs?
In and of itself, maintenance and wash days are pretty simple. You literally can wash and go! But there are times when just washing, is not enough to remove the oils I put in my hair. As you will discover, I am a DIY type of girl. So of course that means I started my locs on my own and I maintain them as well. I don’t have traditional locs, like the beautiful girl in the photo above. I have micro-locs, which means they’re much smaller. I actually started them with braids. But that’s another story for a different day.
So I did a lot of research online and with YouTube videos to see what I could do about the buildup accumulating in my locs. The majority of the loc community of YouTubers agreed that using apple cider vinegar and baking soda to soak and detox your locs, is pretty effective. I was down to try it, but the only problem was, how in the world was I going to soak my hair? I just always washed my hair in the shower. So how would I get this buildup out of my hair?
I didn’t have a sink that I could sit back and soak my hair in. So, I had to once again do my research. Finally, after some time, I discovered that they have inflatable shampoo basins for purchase online. So I bought one for about $35! It seemed like a good price. I wish I had searched more before I bought it, because I would have paid much less on Amazon . They have it for $19.99! Oh well, you live and you learn. Anyway, so it worked great! Now I can detox my locs at home without being forced to go to a salon to pay someone to do it for me!
Self-love is a phrase that we often hear of late. Most of the time people don’t even know what it means or how to do it. I should know, because I was one of them. I used to get so overwhelmed with work, motherhood and being a wife that I forgot all about me! I was drained physically and mentally and it showed. That is until I made the conscious decision to practice self-love on a regular basis. The way that I practice self-love often changes, but I will give you an example of five ways that I practice self love:
FIVE WAYS THAT I PRACTICE SELF-LOVE
DIY Pedicure: I don’t often get the chance to go to the nail salon and my feet show it at times! Specifically the heels of my feet , which tend to get dry and cracked no matter how much I moisturize them. So, to show myself and feet some love, I spend some time in a warm bath with candles and maybe a bath bomb to soak and relax. After about ten minutes, I use this amazing all natural lava stone I found on Amazon to exfoliate my feet! When I am done, my feet feel amazing!! I don’t have to hide them away anymore when I cuddle with hubby at night, because now they are smooth and silky.
Feed my mind: A very important aspect of self-love is what I love to call mental maintenance. You have to take care of your mind or else you may suffer from burnout and negatively impact your mental health. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. So, I love to read books that help me become a better version of myself. If I don’t have the time to read, then I listen to an audio book at night while in bed before I go to sleep. The most recent book that I read taught me how to build new habits and break bad ones. It’s called Atomic Habits. My BFF actually told me about it. It was definitely a game changer! I can’t wait to read the next one.
Play some music: Music is a powerful tool. It really has the power to change your mood. Have you ever noticed that when you’re feeling down, sad music can make you feel worse? Or that fun uplifting music can switch your mood and make feel great? Now that you are aware of it, use it to your advantage. Put together a playlist of songs that make you feel good and when you’re cleaning, cooking or in a bad mood, turn it up loud or put on some headphones and let the music feed your soul! Works every time!
Dance/Exercise: Don’t have time to go to the gym? Me either! However, we have to stay active and get our exercise in regularly. Social distancing has caused many of us to put on some extra pounds. So, why not be committed to dancing around the house to at least 3 of the songs on your playlist? It is a great way to get your body moving and to songs that you love in the comfort of your own home. You may find that you’re sweating in no time and feeling and looking great!
Eat healthier: Did you know that feeding your body junk food and fast-foods is the opposite of showing yourself love? From now on, when you are making decisions about what you are going to put in your mouth, think to yourself: Is this food going to harm me or help me. Self love starts from the inside out and that includes what we put into our bodies. So be purposeful and loving with the things you put in, because it will show on the outside.
So those are five of the ways that I demonstrate self-love to my body, mind and soul? How about you?
We all have an inner-child within us. If you had a great childhood, your inner-child is most likely care free and playful. However, if you were neglected or experienced abuse as a child, it is very likely that your inner-child is wounded.
Most of us grow up totally unaware that we even have a wounded inner-child. It’s the not being aware of it part, that’s the biggest problem. Which is why we probably don’t even realize that he/she is likely responsible for some of the negative issues in our daily lives.
When it comes to our negative behaviors and patterns, it’s really important to understand where it’s coming from. Acknowledging our inner-child, will help us to understand ourselves as a whole, our behaviors and to heal, so that we can become better versions of ourselves.
Here are 5 signs that you may have a wounded inner-child :
You can’t trust anyone, not even yourself: Do you have some serious trust issues? This is a good indicator that your inner-child is wounded. This can explain why you are afraid to let anyone get too close to you, because you fear getting hurt again. This definitely impacts your relationships in negative way.
You fear abandonment to the extreme: This can show up in different ways in your life, such as being afraid that people will leave you. You can be co-dependent, anxious and you may even act out aggressively towards your partner because of your fears. This causes major issues.
You are vulnerable to addiction: There are many forms of addiction such as food, drugs, alcohol and even sex. Addiction is a way of self-medicating, usually due to some sort of trauma/pain that hasn’t been dealt with. The problem with addiction is, the pain is still there and you are adding to it by not treating yourself with love.
You have trouble setting boundaries: Creating boundaries is an important part of being an adult. Children that experienced trauma are made to feel like that their feelings don’t’ matter. They grow up not knowing how to create healthy boundaries or the create boundaries so firm that it keeps the wrong people from getting too close.
You people-please, in order to avoid friction with others: People-pleasers sacrifice their feelings and needs for those around them in order to avoid conflict. This can result from a childhood where your needs and emotions were forced into silence and devalued. It’s as though you are doing to yourself, what was done to you as a child.
These are just some indicators that you may have a wounded inner-child. If these things are sounding familiar, what can you do? Well, they say the first step is acknowledging your inner-child exists and facing his/her pain. Perhaps you can start a journal, talk to your confidant or therapist and/or look into what’s called inner-child work. Most importantly, practice self-love, because your inner-child is a part of you and no one can help her heal but you!
Conversations With Drea 